Holy Transforming Camaro Batman! I’m actually getting to review a movie the week it comes out. Not a week later! It’s a summer miracle!….at least that’s what I thought until I realized that the movie I’m reviewing is a Transformers movie and all of those movies are garbage. But what’s the worst that could happen. I mean. They are bad but they can’t be that bad….can’t they?
Story: Alright hang on to your hats kids. This one’s a doozy. So apparently in this dumb universe, Earth is actually….well I don’t know what it is because they didn’t properly explain that….but Earth holds some sort of key…or power…or something that could destroy all of humanity and the only way to stop it is to find the chosen one…I think. The basic structure of the plot is flimsy at best and down right moronic at worst. It introduces characters without a real need for them. They go to places that they don’t really need to go to. And the cast of the good guys and bad guys changes more quickly than the weather in Florida during the summer. Honestly, you could walk out of this movie, go watch another movie for 40 minutes, then come back to The Last Knight and you’d not miss a beat. It’s not that the movie is simple and made for children, it’s just poorly made as every major plot point is unnecessarily foretold in far in advance. And finally there are so many “deus ex machinas” that you don’t care about what’s going on. There’s no tension when Optimus Prime is surely going to save day despite the trailers telling you otherwise.
Acting: Let’s do this rapid fire. 1. 2. 3. Go! Mark Wahlberg is dumb. Poor Anthony Hopkins is just pathetic. Laura Haddock, the star actress in this piss-poor affair, is utterly forgettable. I’m giving an extra point here because it’s not the worst acted movie I’ve ever seen but it’s damn well close to it.
Presentation: Alright. Mr. Bay’s got me here. This movie does look magical. Makes me hope that some actually good movies look this good in the future. However I cannot give a ringing endorsement here because while the movie looks good, the movie doesn’t sound good. It’s as if the sound effects were done by a 12 year old and the music was composed by that 12 year old’s younger sister.
Effect: The Transformers movies have always been bad but there has usually been some kind of sadistic charm to them. I believe my British friends would say they were “taking the piss.” But this movie doesn’t have any charm. It’s not funny. It’s not enjoyable. It’s not exciting. It’s not even boring. I’d settle for boring at this point. Why? Because this movie is dreadful. While I have seen worse movies, none that have upset me as much as this one did.
Other: I don’t think there’s anything else I could say. I beg of you. Yes you. The one person reading this review. Please don’t see this movie. Go see something else. Anything else. Hell watch a YouTube video. Just don’t give Michael Bay any more money than he deserves.